KID FLASH - Winning the award for laziest transition from hero name to sidekick name, it’s Wally West! He’s actually from 1959, but he’s such a prime example I have to include him. I can honestly declare that Kid Flash has the stupidest origin of any comic character ever. See, Wally is the nephew of the girlfriend of the second Flash, Barry Allen (The first, Jay Garrick, had retired.), and he was a huge fan of the Flash. Upon learning this, Barry revealed his identity to the spunky tween, and decided to tell him how he got his powers. Why is the first person to whom he’s revealed this incredible secret a child he barely knows? Narrative contrivance! Anyway, rather than just saying “A lightning bolt struck some chemicals I was working with and they splatted me, so now I run real fast,” Barry demonstrates by setting up the chemicals exactly as they were when the incident happened, and oh gosh wow wouldn’t you know it, they get hit by lightning. Wally now has powers, and Barry decides to make him a mini-Flash outfit, (which Wally quickly dumps in favor of a the usual “easy target” look of the kid sidekick.) and off they go to fight crime.
In the first example of what you’ll see a lot of here, Wally took up his hero’s mantle, becoming The Flash after Barry died. Eventually, a descendant of Barry from the future, Bart Allen, came to our time and had his own teen superhero gig as Impulse. But after deciding to take things more seriously, he took Wally’s old costume and went out as Kid Flash, to honor those who came before him.
DO YOU HEAR ME? Barry Allen is DEAD. Wally West is THE FLASH. Bart Allen is ALIVE AND IS KID FLASH. Any comics being published the last few months that say otherwise are the result of a MADMAN‘S FEVERED IMAGINATION.
ROBIN - Ah, the classic example. Robin came into being when the editors of Batman decided that since Bats is a detective, he should have a Watson-like partner he can talk with. GOOD IDEA! They decided said partner should be an 8-year-old. BAD IDEA! The idea was to make Batman lighter and more sympathetic and appeal to young readers. So to be fair, it’s two bad ideas. Dick Grayson was a circus acrobat whose parents were killed by a mobster. Bruce Wayne, who was in the audience, decided to take the boy into his house as his ward, being unable to adopt him because he’s single. Ah, the ‘40s. When the kid figures out his fake daddy is Batman, he becomes the big man’s sidekick, with a costume and name inspired by Robin Hood. (Robin Hood? Dammit, that guy follows me.)
Well, after being “The Boy Wonder” for years, Robin went away to college, where he spent an embarrassing period going solo as “Robin: The Teen Wonder”. The Teen Wonder comics from the ‘70s are hilarious because the artists are making an effort to draw him like a college student, while he’s still wearing those ridiculous little pants. Anyway, readers responded well, so they gave Batman a new Robin and had Grayson go solo in an even more unfortunate costume as Nightwing. His current costume is classy and cool, which is why I used a picture of his old one. Nightwing distanced himself from Batman, until his hotheaded second Robin, Jason Todd, got beaten to death and blown up by the Joker (He got better). Anyway, Batman got blown up in a helicopter crash, and after three of the four Robins briefly dueled (triueled?) over the duties of Batman, Dick gave in to predictability, becoming the new Batman.
I should mention that the helicopter crash is only true in the main Batman line of comics. There is another comic that shows he was actually teleported away from there so he could help stop the insane god Darkseid by shooting him with a magic gun, so Darkseid blasted his consciousness back to cavemen times as a punishment, leaving a corpse in the present. Thankfully, those of us who don’t read the big event comics are free to ignore this, thanks to a perfectly serviceable helicopter crash. Batman using a gun to fight a god? Pfft. That’s like saying Barry Allen is alive.
BUCKY - Well, we’ve heard a lot out of DC, but I don’t want you thinking it’s all about them. Marvel gets in on the child endangerment action, too, in a big, big way. See, back in the ‘40s, Marvel was called Timely. And when they came up with the hot new hero Captain America, they did the “Timely” thing, and copied the more popular company, National Publications, soon to be known as DC. Since Robin was popular, Timely’s Captain America needed a kid sidekick, and that was Bucky Barnes. One eeeeeensy weensy problem. Captain America’s milieu was the goddamned front lines of World War Fucking Two. The comics of the time justified Bucky’s presence as… ugh, the “Camp Mascot.” Mascot, yeah, that’s a great reason to put a 13-year-old in Guadalcanal. Bucky was eventually killed in action after a missile he and Cap were attempting to defuse blew him to smithereens. The death stuck even after Captain America was revived, leading to the old saying, “No one stays dead in comics except Jason Todd, Bucky Barnes, and Gwen Stacy.”
Then he came back to life! Just like Jason Todd! And Gwen Stacy got cloned! Old sayings are bullshit. Anyway, in 2005, Bucky got two major retcons. The first was that he was 16 (going on 17), and his small stature and sneakiness got him recruited by the army for covert assassinations. The second was that only his arm was blown to smithereens, with the rest of him being one rather large smitherando. His frozen body was thawed by the Russians in the ‘60s, and what with the amnesia and all, they decided to give him a robo-arm and make him The Winter Soldier, a top-notch assassin and nogoodnik. He regained all of his memories following a few encounters with Captain America, and after Cap died, he Wally Wested himself into a role as the new Captain America, with a pretty ugly new costume, and a gun that the media made way too big a deal over.
TORO - Toro is easily the dumbest thing on this list. Even more than Kid Flash. See, the Human Torch was the first ever Marvel hero, debuting in Timely’s Marvel Comics #1. And the interesting thing about the Human Torch was that his name was a big fat lie. He wasn’t a human, he was an android, created by the hilariously named Professor Phineas Horton. And he was a completely perfect replica of a human, except for the slight error that his skin burst into flame on contact with oxygen. Also he could fly for some reason. Anyway, he eventually figured out how to control that, and got a secret identity and a superheroing gig. Toro made the scene in Human Torch #2, the first issue of the Human Torch comic. (Don’t ask, I barely understand it myself.) Toro was the son of Professor Horton’s former lab assistants, orphaned since their death in a train accident. He was found at the site of the accident by some circus folk, who noticed that he didn’t burn in the fire. The circus adopted him (Apparently a billionaire can’t get custody of a circus boy, but a circus can get custody of a trauma victim.) When the Human Torch visited the circus, the boy’s true flame powers activated. Now keep in mind that the Torch’s flame ability wasn’t something intentional, it’s just a side effect of his oddball robot body. So why does the kid, a human, happen to have the exact same powers? It’s just insane! Anyway, he started sidekicking, calling himself Toro, which is Spanish for “bull”. So that makes sense.
To make up for his deranged origins, he was allowed to lead a remarkably dignified life, remarkably NOT becoming the new Human Torch. He made it out of WWII sane and healthy, got married, and settled down. In 1969, he resurfaced to stop the Mad Thinker, and was killed. To date, he has remained dead, but nobody cares.
SPEEDY - Oh, Speedy. Speedy was Roy Harper the orphaned (surprise!) son of a park ranger. After his dad died saving a Navajo medicine man, Brave Bow, from a forest fire, Brave Bow raised Roy and trained him in archery. When Roy was a teenager, he entered an archery contest judged by superhero Green Arrow. At the competition, Roy helped G.A. foil a robbery. When Brave Bow died, Roy became the ward of Green Arrow’s alter ego, billionaire Oliver Queen, who was never suspected of being Green Arrow despite his ludicrous beard. Needless to say, sidekickery soon followed. Wow! A sidekick position, a billionaire dad, a cool car… What could go wrong?
Um… a whole lot.
When Arrow loses most of his fortune, he begins neglecting Roy. What with that, his girlfriend dumping him, his team breaking up, and a whole heapin’ helpin’ of other crap, Roy learns that he still has one friend he can turn to… Heroin! When Green Arrow finds out he reacts with maturity and understanding by punching Roy in the face and kicking him out of the house. After kicking the habit, Roy cuts off all ties with his former mentor, and bums around as a private eye, a DEA agent, and for one mission, a member of the Suicide Squad. He finally decided to get back into the hero game, but this time as his own man, rather than in the shadow of Green Arrow. So he got himself some high-tech weapons, and made his debut as Arsenal. Then he dropped the weapons, got his bow back, and changed his costume. Then he changed it to a Red Version of Green Arrow’s costume and started calling himself Red Arrow. Way to be your own man, Roy. He says it’s symbolic of him moving past his old issues and letting bygones be bygones but I think it seems a little dependency disorderish.
CAPTAIN MARVEL, JR. - Can Wally West come over here for a second? Yeah, we need to take away your lazy naming trophy and give it to this guy. Interestingly, Freddy Freeman here is actually a boy sidekick to a young boy, in a way. Captain Marvel was a young newsboy who would become the adult superhero Captain Marvel whenever he said “Shazam”, the name of the wizard who gave him his powers. Well, once upon a time, Captain Marvel was fighting Captain Nazi, whose powers include a lack of naming subtlety, and punched him into a lake where Freddy Freeman was fishing with his grandfather. Unaware of Nazi’s identity, but suspiciously not turned off by the big ol’ swastika on his chest, they pull him aboard. Captain Nazi comes to, drowns Grandpa, and beats Freddy senseless with an oar. Man, some people have no gratitude. Finding out that Freddy was left crippled by the attack, Captain Marvel took pity on him, and gave the boy some of his own power. Now, any time Freddy says “Captain Marvel”, it affects a similar transformation. He’s still a teenager, but a buff, noncrippled one. He was given the name Captain Marvel Jr, which unless I miss my guess, leaves him unable to introduce himself without turning back into a gimp.
Actually, he did okay for himself as Captain Marvel Jr. In addition to his role in the main Captain Marvel series, where he was part of a large stable of sidekicks which included Mary Marvel, the Lieutenant Marvels (Tall Marvel, Hill Marvel, and Fat Marvel), Uncle Marvel, Mr. Tawky Tawny the Talking Tiger, and Hoppy the Marvel Bunny… Hold on, I need to readjust my brain… They had a club song, you know… Anyway, in addition to that, he also had his own book, which eschewed the… well, let’s be nice and say ‘whimsy’ of the main book’s stories and told some pretty straightforward crime, espionage, and war stories, as well as describing the plight of the urban poor in WWII, with Freddy living his civilian life as a cripple in a run-down orphanage. As the ‘40s ended, Freddy became more a sort of standard sidekick, fading in and out of obscurity as the licensing rights and origins of the family got tossed from Fawcett Comics to DC Comics, and legal action was taken by Marvel comics. In an effort to stem all issues that come from having a guy named Marvel, The Captain has become the wizard, and all the other marvels got depowered. Freddy made a rather epic journey to regain his powers and now looks like Captain Marvel, but goes by the name Shazam. I don’t think it’s gonna last.
STRIPESY - Who’s ready for some wackiness? It’s a middle-aged sidekick to a boy superhero! WHOOOOOOAAAAA! Now, who’s ready for another stupid origin? See, on July 4, 1941, wealthy teenager Sylvester Pemberton and middle-aged mechanic Pat Dugan and a whole bunch of undercover Nazis went to the movies. Separately, I should point out. When the Nazis saw the pro-US theme of the film, they got violent. Way to be undercover, guys. Pemberton and Dugan helped stop the resulting riot and catch the nasty nutsy Nazis. The next day, Pemberton was getting his car fixed at Dugan’s shop when they overheard a customer talking about how they wished the American flag could come to life and beat up Nazis. Seriously. Anyway, our heroes both got the same idea, and go out fighting crime in themed outfits, still separately. They seem to be keeping themselves open to partnership, though, as Pemberton is the Star-Spangled Kid, and Dugan is Stripesy, with neither being the entire flag. Eventually, they run into each other working the same case, and figure since they have matching outfits, they might as well team up. Dugan gets a job as Pemberton’s chauffeur to make the job easier, and builds a gadget-intensive car for them to use. I’m not sure why the older, tougher, smarter guy wound up as the sidekick. Some say it was due to his inferior social rank, but I’m inclined to think it’s because he called himself Stripesy. That’s such a sidekick name.
And he’s still side kicking to this day. After his stepdaughter decided to annoy him by taking up adventuring as the new Star-Spangled Kid and later, after acquiring Starman’s old cosmic rod, Stargirl, Pat decided to get back in the game himself, building a powerful robotic suit of armor and mentoring her as her sidekick, S.T.R.I.P.E. He remains a member of the Justice Society and is respected by the heroing community. Good for him.
SANDY THE GOLDEN BOY - The Sandman was a fascinating hero, bridging the gap between the pulp heroes of the 1930s to the superheroes of the 1940s. His costume was a business suit, fedora and gas mask, he was aided by his girlfriend Dian, who knew his identity and was portrayed as his equal, and his weapon of choice was a gas gun that compelled villains to tell the truth or simply put them to sleep. Eventually, the editors decided this nuanced noir bullshit was boring, and gave The Sandman a purple and yellow spandex costume and, of course, a tagalong kid named Sandy Hawkins. Sandy was - SURPRISE! - an orphan, adopted by Dian, his aunt. Eventually, Dian died, so there would be no icky girls messing about, and Sandy, with tedious predictability, became the ward of Wesley Dodds, the Sandman. And you know what? I can’t find a damn thing about him. All the information online references modern stories and retcons, all the classic Sandman reprints I’ve read are from the first two years before the change, and the insanely good reboot, Sandman Mystery Theatre, specifically leaves Sandy out entirely. What does all that tell you?
Despite the urge the comics community seems to have to deny that he ever fought alongside Sandman, they’ve also reworked and retconned him into a pretty groovy character for the modern age. Apparently, some science-accident left him turned into a giant sand monster. Wesley put him in suspended animation until a cure could be found, and as Wesley turned into a wobbly old man, Sandy stayed frozen, eventually emerging with a silicon-based body that could turn into sand and exert limited control over the earth, and look sexy and young while doing it. He took up heroing again and got himself a slick gas mask and gun. Lately he‘s been victim to one of the worst things that can befall a hero: An Alex Ross costume redesign. *shudders*. And now he has a trench coat and fedora and calls himself Sandman. Hey Alex! Some of us like growth in our characters!
(For those who don’t know, Alex Ross is an excellent painter who seems to think that all superheroes should be exactly like they were in the mid-70s, and all villains should be however he feels like painting them. He is renowned for his painting skill, his massive ego, and his ridiculous fetishism of a time in comics history that, all things considered, was mostly shit. And with the notable exception of his Batman, which has become the standard, pretty much every costume he’s ever redesigned has been really stupid.)
GORDITO DELGADO - Best. Kid. Sidekick. Ever.